You Already Know

A strange title, I know, in a world of so much uncertainty. But if you are tuning into the things I write, you are probably also tuned into the subtle realms in your own way. I would like to tell you a story about knowing.

Around 2009, a woman had posted on social media about how she was really embracing being "single and 40" and something went through me. A lightning bolt through the center of my body knowing that story that was to become my story. At 29, I decided I would do everything I could to avoid "single and 40" happening to me.

Six years later, I was pregnant with my daughter, and the knowing came back. This time it was buried under fear, and hiding in distorted relationship mechanisms: I was going to be a single mother, and 40. When I say single here, I am speaking to the term used for dating and romantic status and not my parenting status. I do have a wonderful and present co-parent.

Knowing isn't always cute. It isn't always "call this person and they will give you 20,000 dollars". It's often saying things you don't want to hear. It often says go clean the toilet. Or open up the cellar. Or that thing you want so much, isn't gonna happen.

We could "law of attraction" my experience and say that by resisting it, I created it. That's what an asshole would do. But actually, admitting that I just knew what was coming for me is way more empowering. Knowing that the circumstances aren't usually in my hands, I have more energy for what is in my hands: my willingness to be with what is and to develop the skills to discern and choose.

So when I say "you already know" I mean there is a part of you that knows things. The felt sense or the wisdom body is the wholeness of who you are. It is far more perceptive than the logical mind. Perhaps you have not listened to it, or are ignoring it because it goes against what you want. Or what you are supposed to want. Or what you are told is normal.

If this is striking something in you, I would encourage you to look back on your life and find those moments of knowing. Slow them down. How did you know? What was it that went through you? What actions did you take?

Over the last year, amongst all the confusion and theories and information and drama, I wanted something to clarify everything.

And actually what my knowing is telling me is we may not get the giant conclusion we are all wanting. The big reveal about "these are the lies and these are the truths" may not actually come and relieve us from this tension.

We might be in this quagmire of confusion and disruption and divisiveness for a while. Can we settle in and find the beauty in it? Can we find ways to connect to our inner truth and honor each other in the process? Can we support each other and connect in new more transparent ways?

Can you trust yourself enough to not have a clear external voice saying "this is how things are", and instead lean further into yourself. Build the skills of inner sensing and refine your capacity for discernment of nuance in your thoughts, your sensations, your emotions. There are so many ways we know things. Learn your knowing. Learn your biases. Learn your habitual thinking and nervous system patterns.

The paradox of this is that your inner knowing must be balanced out by healthy and dynamic relationships that enhance your sense of clarity and nuance. And that doesn't mean relationships based on "we are similar", but relationships that are based on discernment and honesty, trust and the ability to hold space for and explore this knowing.

Much love to you all. Thank you for your attention.